Remember when you used to be in class and maybe you had a huge project due next Wednesday and the teacher would always say "Okay, the last hour of class today will be for working on your projects." You never, ever, ever wanted to stay. Ever. Why the hell would you want to work on your project sitting in a hard plastic chair in a stinky room with abrasive florescent lighting?

The premise of spending the last hour of class working on the project is that you could potentially use that time to ask the teacher any remaining questions you had. Of course, you could ask the teacher any questions you had ANY time. Before and after that. But this was special, in class question asking time.

The teacher would always try to guilt you in to staying. If it's a night class and it goes from 6 to 9, it would probably sound like this:

"Okay, so the last two hours are yours to use. I will be here until 9 tonight, so feel free to ask me any questions. That's what I'm here for. I'm not going to force you to stay, but I would STRONGLY advise that you use this time to get your project done and ask me any remaining questions."

Oh my god! Don't stay til 9! No one cares if you leave teacher! We're not staying til 9! We're all going home to watch The Office and get drunk! So should you!

I never stayed. I would try and mill about for a few minutes to make it look like I was "using this time", but really I was just blindly flipping through my text book or scribbling jibberish on the back of an old assignment. Eventually (usually after 5 minutes), the thought of being able to escape a 3 hour class after just 1 hour became too much to bear. I would deliberately pack up my things, making sure to look at the back of some papers to make it appear as though I was double checking facts or something. Then I would make a really heavy sighing sound to convey that I just got done really using the heck out of my time. Finally I would put my backpack on one shoulder to make it look like I was just stepping out for a sec to use the library, and head straight for home.

The walk from your seat, pass the teacher, to the door is probably one of the most painful things you'll ever have to do. I never make eye contact with the teacher once I stand up, for fear that the look of sheer dissapointment from me letting them down by not using all this time they're giving me is going to actually work and I'll end up sitting back down and wasting the next two hours pretending to work. Of course any regret or tepidation you have about ducking out early instantly vanishes the moment you make it out the doorway. HOME FREE!

Ahhhhh, how I don't miss that one bit.

Have you ever had a thing where you're listening to a song and it's so good you kind of get the chills? Or you're driving down the highway, and it's sunny and warm and you're blasting music and it's like "dag, could this get any better?" Or you're at a concert and there's a fucking awesome guitar solo, and you're "DAG!"

You know what's better than all of those things? 

Cake.

Hey everybody: shut up!

I heard a radio commercial today for a place called Sports Clips. It's a barbershop where you go and they have sports playing all the time and they massage you and you can even partake in one of their "legendary steamed towels". How can a steamed towel be legendary? It's either a steamed towel, or it's not. There are not varying degrees of steamed towel. Let me show you:

Guy 1: I just got back from Sports Clips.

Guy 2: Ooooh, I hear they have pretty good steamed towel there. How was it?

Guy 1: Horrible.

See what I mean? That conversation will never take place, because there is not such thing as a bad steamed towel. It's just a hot towel. If you said "But the towel wasn't hot enough!" then you wouldn't be referring to a steamed towel. It would be a lukewarm towel. Completely different.

Here is a picture from their website






















That kid in the front sure looks like a smug little fucker. What is going on here? Do they employ children? Are those that guy's kids? Why isn't he looking at the camera? Why isn't the barber lady looking at the camera?

Things I imagine homophobes imagine they are scared of imagining:

1) Gay juice
2) Winning a dance-off where the prize is a kiss from a person of the same sex
3) Winning a dance-off
4) Days of the week rife with sexual innuendo (Wednesday = hump day)
5) The Apocalypse