I worked today with an interesting character. He said he loved doing karaoke, that he had somewhat of a following as a karaoke god around town. I suggested that he become the lead singer of a band and he told me that he recently quit his job as the front man for a Christian rock outfit due to it tearing up his throat. I asked how singing Christian rock was any different than Ozzy, Dio and Garth Brooks, his holy (and somewhat odd) trinity of karaoke singers? Apparently his Christian rock band involved lots of screaming and yelling. I had so many questions I wanted to ask him about this. What was he screaming and yelling about? What was he doing fronting a Christian rock band after having just admitted to:

a) Beating up a dude in Reno, making him cry, then taking his money.
b) Escorting an Indian woman/drug mule from Iowa to California via Greyhound bus.
c) Acquiring legal pot via illegal methods in California
d) Punching lots of people in the head while wearing his ring shaped like a horseshoe (he loved horses) and leaving the horseshoe imprint in their forehead.
e) Washing his running shoes in the dishwasher in hopes of making them last longer (The Bible strictly forbids this)


He was also funny because he indiscriminately referred to people as dude and used the word 'flip' in place of 'fuck' a lot. I overheard him talking to the head of an apartment complex (an old lady) and his part of the conversation went like this:

"Dude, you have a flippin' SWEET apartment complex here dude. FLIP!"

His phone conversation with his girl friend:

"Hey baby, it's me. Yeah dude, get some flippin' spaghetti sauce too. Baby, dude did you wash my shoes? Flippin' sweet! Are they clean? Flip! I love you baby! Alright, bye dude."

Needless to say, this dude was the flippin' sweetest.

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How come no one ever taught me how to buy a tooth brush? I don't know what size, stiffness, bristle count or aerodynamic properties I should be looking for in a toothbrush. The method I most often use is how closely it resembles a futuristic space ship. Failing that, the more grippy rubber it's covered in, the better. Even though I've never once been brushing my teeth, lost control of the toothbrush and stabbed myself in the neck, I still view this as a requirement. I also go for the biggest, toughest bristles I can find. What if a girl walks in a sees me brushing my teeth with a small head and soft bristles? That would be the end of my dating life as I know it. Girls like guys with big, rubbery, futuristic looking toothbrushes.

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