Dear Emily,

Remember how 2 months ago you said you'd love me for ever? No matter what? Well, I'm breaking up with you. I just can't stand the way you laugh, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. Plus, you don't like my favorite band, Tool. Who's the real tool here Emily? You are.

Now, this presents a very unique situation. In fact, it's quite beneficial for the both of us. See, you still love me. You said so yourself. You'd love me for ever, no matter what. Well, that includes me breaking up with you.

But here's the awesome part: you love to cook for me. You're always saying how happy it makes you to make me happy. Since it makes you happy to cook for me, you can still do that. At least for a while. The fact that I don't love you shouldn't have any effect on you wanting to make me happy.

I'm going on a date Friday night with some girl I met at that Tool concert I took you to last month. If you want to come over and cook me dinner beforehand, that would be cool. That way you can do what makes you happy and I don't have to worry about cleaning up the dishes.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize this is going to be a lot easier for you than for me. You still know with absolute certainty that you love me. You'll never doubt that again. You said so, remember? I, on the other hand, don't love you. I just don't care about you. Do you know how hard that is? To know that you don't love somebody? Almost as hard as my abs that you always say you love so much. I'll bet you'll miss seeing those, huh?

Anyways Em, if you want I'll still go out with you for 2 more weeks. I'm not really doing anything so that would kind of give you a chance to get your fill of me, since you love me so much. Yeah, so...I'm going out with the guys tonight to the bars to pick up some chicks, is it cool if we call you for a DD?

Zach

P.S.

Lasagna would be awesome Friday night.