When I was a little kid I once tried to sneak cigarette butts that I found in the street up to the closet in my room and smoke them. I also tried to get my younger sister to join me. I was in the process of transporting the butts from the street to my room, I had them in my pockets, and my dad could see that something was fishy. I was trying to act inconspicuous, hands in my pockets, head down, just trying to make it to my room unnoticed so that I could go smoke my...like...12 dirty cigarette butts in my closet. He intercepted me before I could make it to the stairs and put his hands up for me to give him two high fives. When I went to give him five, he stuck his hands into my pockets and found all the dirty cigarette butts.

I look back on that situation with fondness. I like that I was so jazzed to give my dad two high fives that I completely forgot I had cigarette butts in my pockets. I don't think I could get that excited about a high five any more. Wouldn't that be awesome if you could just briefly forget all your troubles any time someone offered you a high five? I want to get that excited about something again.

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I saw a hot girl at the movie theater tonight with a pretty ugly dude. It's pretty common knowledge that good looking girls are more willing to be with not as good looking guys, than good looking guys are willing to be with not as good looking girls. Apparently women care about personality more than, or equally as much as, looks. I don't know if I buy that.

I'd say I care a shit ton about personality, and intelligence, and chemistry, but if I'm not attracted to the person, I just can't do it. So what I think the case ACTUALLY is, is that when you see a hot girl with an ugly guy, that girl really is attracted to the guy. But then one of her girlfriends says to her "Brenda, your boyfriend is ugly." And she doesn't want her girlfriend to think she has bad taste in men, so she says "Yeah Judy, I just don't care about looks that much, I'm above all that." POPPYCOCK! Just because you're a girl and are more intelligent and more in touch with your emotions and able to look above such petty things as appearances, DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST LOOK ABOVE SOMETHING PETTY LIKE APPEARANCES!

Because, I'm really fucking smart and I have emotions and sensitivity flowing out my ass crack, but when it comes to being more than just friends, I can't look past appearances. That's not the ONLY deciding factor, but it certainly is one of them. And if women had the ability to overlook something like...an ugly dude, then that would mean that they are more refined than me. Every woman. Everywhere. On the earth. Has more substance than me.

I don't care about 99% of them. Not like that. I'm not saying I don't care about 99% of the women on earth, I do. Not like that either. I'm not saying I have a thing where I love 99% of the women on earth. I'm saying I don't care that 99% of the women on earth have more substance than me, it's the 1% I worry about. That 1% includes Paris Hilton, both Jessica and Ashley Simpson, that girl I went to school with in 6th grade who I hated, and half of Rupaul. HALF OF RUPAUL HAS MORE SUBSTANCE THAN ALL OF ME!