Today at work I fell down in the bathroom. The cleaning ladies had just mopped the floor so the door to the bathroom was propped open with one of those little kick stands with rubber on the bottom that you can flip up and down. I flipped the kickstand up with my foot to allow the door to close. As I stepped into the bathroom my foot got caught on the kickstand and I fell down. I landed pretty hard on the tile, elbows then knees, then the soft stuff. I'm sure it was one of the more ridiculous things I've ever done.

I didn't get up instantly. My ears were ringing and both my elbows and knees hurt pretty bad. Also, I was embarrassed. One of the people I work with heard the commotion and came to see what was happening. I saw her staring at me, lying on the floor, and I figured the best thing to do was to laugh. Laughing would make it seem like it was all just one big funny happenstance. Whoops! I fell down in the bathroom! Oh well! Everything's fine!

Inside I was crying. My ears were ringing louder, I was momentarily stunned, I was in lots of pain, and also...I was STILL lying on the bathroom floor. I was actually pretty certain that I had broken both my kneecaps and elbows. I figured I'd probably become a temporary paraplegic.

This whole incident was definitely the worst part of my day. I hate bathrooms.

Sexy vampires are so boring. You can hardly even consider a vampire to be a monster. From its outward appearance, the only giveaway would be its pointy front teeth and pale skin. What's so risque about that? Lame. I want a relationship with a hot ass vampire lady who's always showing off her cleavage and spends a ton of time at sexy vampire dance parties with laser-light shows and techno music. I'm not scared. If she really loves me she won't suck my blood. She'll suck something else. HA HA HA!!! OHHH GROSS! I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT!! LOL!! OMG!!! WXYZ!

Anyways. I would be much more hesitant to enter into a secret relationship with a sexy dinosaur-monster or a sexy killer squid. THAT deserves to have a movie made about it. THAT'S going against social norms.

Although...there is one thing that I would be concerned about when it comes to sexy vampires: spousal abuse. I bet any vampire, lady or dude, could beat me up. What if I forget the vampire equivalent of her birthday. Would she throw me into a table? Would she hiss at me? What if she had other powers that she was hiding from me, and then all the sudden she's making me levitate in the air, mere inches from poisonous snakes forcing me to swear I'll clean up my dishes next time. That would be kind of scary, but still worth it. Because...mmmm mmm mmm...she would be so sexy.

For a long time I've wondered why it's considered so dorky to run somewhere if you're not running for exercise. I would much prefer to run than walk.

1) Walking is boring and slow. Running is exciting and fast!
2) Walking is for losers. Running is for winners!

See? Running trumps walking in every category.

There were occasions too numerous to count when I was in school that I could have easily made class on time had I just run from where I was to where I was going. But think about how nerdy somebody looks running across campus in their normal clothes, awkwardly extending their backpack shoulder straps out from their chest to reduce the amount of stride altering bounce that occurs when running with a backpack. WHY IS IT SO WEIRD!? I want to be able to run everywhere, but I can't because I know it will look funky! But it shouldn't! It's just a speedier version of walking!

Think about how much more you could get done in a day if you didn't waste time walking all over the place. Are you enjoying your dinner date with your lady friend? Wishing it wouldn't end so soon? Don't worry about, just run to and from the bathroom. That saves you a good 15 seconds right there. Do you have some grocery shopping to do, but you're not sure if you can get it all done before you have to pick the kids up from the pool? Just sprint up and down the aisles when possible and you could save loads of time! Just watch out for towering displays of baked beans on sale for only $.69!!

Kenyans have the right idea. They realize the importance of running places. From their shanty to their mud pit. From their mud pit to their 3 chickens over on the other side of the village in the group chicken storage facility. From their chickens to that flat, dusty piece of ground where they kick an old soccer ball. And from the dusty ground back to their shanty. SEE HOW EFFICIENT THAT WAS!? SUPER EFFICIENT!
Plus, they always do really awesome in the long distance running events at the Olympics.

I want to be able to run all over the place. But I won't be able to until other people start doing it first so that I can do it too with out looking like a weirdo.

Dear snot,

Where do you come from, and how is there so much of you?

Dear Satan,

How come you have horns? What do you do with them? Are they for self defense?

Dear alarm clocks,

Shut up.

Dear Mongoose,

What is the plural of you?

Dear Lil' Kim,

You're not so little any more.

Dear the kitten sitting on my feet,

Awwwwwwwwww.

Dear Emily,

Remember how 2 months ago you said you'd love me for ever? No matter what? Well, I'm breaking up with you. I just can't stand the way you laugh, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. Plus, you don't like my favorite band, Tool. Who's the real tool here Emily? You are.

Now, this presents a very unique situation. In fact, it's quite beneficial for the both of us. See, you still love me. You said so yourself. You'd love me for ever, no matter what. Well, that includes me breaking up with you.

But here's the awesome part: you love to cook for me. You're always saying how happy it makes you to make me happy. Since it makes you happy to cook for me, you can still do that. At least for a while. The fact that I don't love you shouldn't have any effect on you wanting to make me happy.

I'm going on a date Friday night with some girl I met at that Tool concert I took you to last month. If you want to come over and cook me dinner beforehand, that would be cool. That way you can do what makes you happy and I don't have to worry about cleaning up the dishes.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize this is going to be a lot easier for you than for me. You still know with absolute certainty that you love me. You'll never doubt that again. You said so, remember? I, on the other hand, don't love you. I just don't care about you. Do you know how hard that is? To know that you don't love somebody? Almost as hard as my abs that you always say you love so much. I'll bet you'll miss seeing those, huh?

Anyways Em, if you want I'll still go out with you for 2 more weeks. I'm not really doing anything so that would kind of give you a chance to get your fill of me, since you love me so much. Yeah, so...I'm going out with the guys tonight to the bars to pick up some chicks, is it cool if we call you for a DD?

Zach

P.S.

Lasagna would be awesome Friday night.

Paul meditated and fixed the laundry!

Japanese Beetles: Orange ass little punks.

You stupid beetles, I hate your guts. You punk ass bugs, drive me nuts.

You fly around with your tiny ass wings, getting all up in my things.

That gooey substance that is produced when I squish your body
Hardly phases me, but fuck it stinks like shit.

I hate your species, you smell like feces, you are the size of Reese’s Pieces.

Please vacate my window, you’re blocking my view. If I see one more I may just spew.

I know that you’re here to regulate bugs that eat our crops and cost us money. But if I could genocide every last one of you, I’d tell my friends and they’d think it was funny.

Biting beetle bitches, I squash you in my fingers. Unfortunately your goo produces a stench that lingers.

Fuck you.

The whole reason I went to college is to increase my chances of getting a good job.

Right now, I couldn't buy a job. Which would be weird anyways.