Today I walked in on the same lady twice in two different dressing rooms. I needed to try on a pair of shorts so I open the door to a dressing room and this old lady is examining herself in a full length mirror dressed in a lime green Adidas jump suit. I was momentarily stunned, then quickly shut the door and apologized for my entry. I didn't say anything about locking the door because I figured she had learned her lesson.

I went to look for another dressing room, because they were kind of randomly scattered throughout the store. I finally found another one, opened the door, and the same old lady is once again admiring herself in the mirror, dressed in the same jump suit. This was definitely more awkward than the first time, and caught me way off guard. I think I accidentally remarked "Jesus, lock the door".

I'm really confused as to how this lady managed to get into this second dressing room before me, without me noticing, and still wearing the same clothes.

What do you think was going through the mind of the first person ever to wake up in the middle of the night with one of their arms asleep. I bet it was something like this:

"Huh...what...oh...I am just here, lying in bed. I wonder what time it is? 3:26 am, good I can still go back to sleep. I'm just going to itch my left arm real quick...WHAT THE FUCK!? OH SHIT! Okay, calm down. Just because your arms feels like a heavy bag full of pudding, that's no reason to be alarmed. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit, fuck fuck fuck. I can't feel anything, this is really creepy. Is this my punishment oh lord for being gluttonous and eating that second jimmy cake last night? WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!? I HATE TO BE FORSAKED...FORSAKENED...FORSOOK... I HATE IT! Wait...my arm is tingling. Oh mercy this is so awkward, hast thou placed tiny little bugs 'neath my skin? Ooohh, now this kind of tickles. Hee hee my lord, a most curious sensation this is. Most curious indeed...why...I believe I am regaining some sensation! Glory! Perhaps that second jimmy cake wasn't such a gluttonous act afterall! Hallelujah!"

You know that thing where your whole extended family is eating dinner on Christmas Eve, and you accidentally punch your mom in the face and she spills cranberry sauce all over her entire upper person? Man, that's the worst.

When I was a little kid I once tried to sneak cigarette butts that I found in the street up to the closet in my room and smoke them. I also tried to get my younger sister to join me. I was in the process of transporting the butts from the street to my room, I had them in my pockets, and my dad could see that something was fishy. I was trying to act inconspicuous, hands in my pockets, head down, just trying to make it to my room unnoticed so that I could go smoke my...like...12 dirty cigarette butts in my closet. He intercepted me before I could make it to the stairs and put his hands up for me to give him two high fives. When I went to give him five, he stuck his hands into my pockets and found all the dirty cigarette butts.

I look back on that situation with fondness. I like that I was so jazzed to give my dad two high fives that I completely forgot I had cigarette butts in my pockets. I don't think I could get that excited about a high five any more. Wouldn't that be awesome if you could just briefly forget all your troubles any time someone offered you a high five? I want to get that excited about something again.

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I saw a hot girl at the movie theater tonight with a pretty ugly dude. It's pretty common knowledge that good looking girls are more willing to be with not as good looking guys, than good looking guys are willing to be with not as good looking girls. Apparently women care about personality more than, or equally as much as, looks. I don't know if I buy that.

I'd say I care a shit ton about personality, and intelligence, and chemistry, but if I'm not attracted to the person, I just can't do it. So what I think the case ACTUALLY is, is that when you see a hot girl with an ugly guy, that girl really is attracted to the guy. But then one of her girlfriends says to her "Brenda, your boyfriend is ugly." And she doesn't want her girlfriend to think she has bad taste in men, so she says "Yeah Judy, I just don't care about looks that much, I'm above all that." POPPYCOCK! Just because you're a girl and are more intelligent and more in touch with your emotions and able to look above such petty things as appearances, DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST LOOK ABOVE SOMETHING PETTY LIKE APPEARANCES!

Because, I'm really fucking smart and I have emotions and sensitivity flowing out my ass crack, but when it comes to being more than just friends, I can't look past appearances. That's not the ONLY deciding factor, but it certainly is one of them. And if women had the ability to overlook something like...an ugly dude, then that would mean that they are more refined than me. Every woman. Everywhere. On the earth. Has more substance than me.

I don't care about 99% of them. Not like that. I'm not saying I don't care about 99% of the women on earth, I do. Not like that either. I'm not saying I have a thing where I love 99% of the women on earth. I'm saying I don't care that 99% of the women on earth have more substance than me, it's the 1% I worry about. That 1% includes Paris Hilton, both Jessica and Ashley Simpson, that girl I went to school with in 6th grade who I hated, and half of Rupaul. HALF OF RUPAUL HAS MORE SUBSTANCE THAN ALL OF ME!

You know how when a baseball player gets a hit or steals a base or a football player throws a touchdown or gets an interception they do that thing where they point to the sky to give mad respect to God for helping them perform so admirably. Or perhaps they have some sort of intricate celebration a la Sammy Sosa involving chest pounding and finger kissing AND sky pointing. Well, it would be funny if people in other professions gave it up to god after successfully completing some sort of task. I would like to see a lawyer perform a deposition and then as he's walking back to his seat he points to the ceiling and thanks god for blessing him with the ability to kick ass.

Other funny times to give it up to God:

-After a policeman successfully guns down an underage kid robbing a convenience store
-After a plumber fixes a faulty toilet
-After a janitor finishes sweeping a dirty floor
-After a customer service rep redirects a call to the correct department
-After a pastor completes a moving sermon

Dear the lady who reads the local "Marketplace" segment on NPR everday,

You suck. How do you manage to consistently screw up reading hog and soy bean prices? Today you mispronounced the word annual. What's up with that? Also, please sound more excited. I realize that your job blows. I would be depressed if my job entailed reading soy bean prices, but it's not my job. It's yours. So make it fun. Do funny voices, sing them, make them into a rap, recite them in pig latin, SOMETHING. Every time you tell me that the price of a barrel of corn went up 15 cents yesterday I want to punch my ears. Just ONCE could you please tell us that the price of a barrel of monkeys went up 12 cents yesterday, BUT THEY'RE STILL FUN!

I was thinking about what would be a very awkward first date conversation. First dates, in and of themselves, are quite awkward. You don't know the person so most of the conversation is rather superficial. You could try and have deep conversation but it would be weird to follow up "what are your top 5 favorite ice cream flavors?" with "isn't it weird to look up into the stars and know that if God made the stars and heaven, who made God? And who made the thing that made God? And how would you solve the current crisis in the Middle East?"

I can definitely see myself having a first date like this:

"So Sue, what is it that you do?"
"My name isn't Sue...it's Mary."
"I know that, I was just yanking your chain. Like this, yank yank yank...oh god, is it hot in here or is it just you?"
"Umm...It's actually rather cold. Remind me again why we're having our first date in a meat locker?"
"Well, I know the guy that owns the place and he gave me a great deal on it for the whole evening. His name is Brian, he really knows a lot about meat. I really like meat. Do you like meat? I remember when I was young I really liked meat. But now, I also like it. Remind me again how you feel about meat?"
"Yeah, I guess I like meat okay."
"Cool, cool. Meat's awesome. TOTALLY. So Marie, what do you do?
"My name isn't Marie, it's Mary. And we work together."
"Cool, cool. Tell me, what are your top 3 movies of all time? Mine are definitely Star Wars, Gladiator and The Natural. Ha ha, ohhh man.
"I hate Russel Crowe, he's such a meat head."
"Yeah, I hate him too. It's like...take an acting lesson already, right? Ohhhh man."
"Sure. Listen I've got to work pretty early tomorrow morning. And I'm losing feeling in my legs, could you take me home?"

I remember at the end of my very first day of kindergarten they told us dismissal would be at 3:00 pm. I naturally assumed that this had something to do with missiles being fired off, and probably my entire family dying. It was a very frightening concept. I was relieved to find out that dismissal had nothing to do with explosives or my loved ones dying.

Next order of business, noises made by people while they work out. A few years ago I was working out at the Y and there was this really annoying dude wearing swim trunks and flip flops and every time he would complete a repetition of whatever exercise he was doing he would go "tss". I hated this guy. It annoyed the shit out of me, and had he not been so muscly I like to think I would have told him what for. Though probably not.

I had a similar experience today. I was getting my swell on with my 5 lb weights and elastic bands and low intensity, high repetition what have you's, when I heard what I thought was probably the bowels of hell opening up and depositing fiery madness into my ears. A fellow, I'll call him 'man', was counting off his reps, loudly growling out each one as though his stomach was being vacuumed out through his throat. He was doing these crazy exercises that involved parts of your body I didn't even know you were supposed to work out.

We were the only two people in the gym so it got really awkward (for me) when I would be standing there silently doing my little bicep curls and he's over in the corner sodomizing some crazy weight machine that looked like a torture device. Also, he was wearing business socks.

Then, he came really close to me to use the machine that I guess you put your face into, and then push down and it probably works your anus muscle or something. So he was just sitting there, doing his face/anus exercises, screaming out his reps, and I couldn't help it. I had to laugh. It was just preposterous. I would be too embarrassed to make those noises if I was all alone in my room with sound proof walls. He must have been on steroids or something.

I've been somewhat studying for the GRE. The book has about 3,000 words that you're supposed to learn. They give the definition, then use it in a sentence. Some of the sentences they use are pretty silly and I like to try and imagine a situation in real life where their example sentences would actually be used.

Vanguard Forerunners; advance forces. We are the vanguard of a tremendous army that is following us.

So with this one I imagine a few army scouts have been captured by the enemy and they are currently being questioned by some sort of hairy middle eastern fellow.

Good guys : You'll never get us to talk! We'll be rescued within the hour!

Bad guys: I don't see anyone else here to rescue you...

Good guys: WE ARE THE VANGUARD OF A TREMENDOUS ARMY THAT IS FOLLOWING US!

Bad guys: What?

Good guys: I said, WE ARE THE VANG-

Bad guys: Yeah, no. We heard what you said, we just have no idea what the word "vanguard" means. It sounds like one of those words you would learn specifically for the GRE.

Good guys: It's like...forerunners...advanced forces. That sort of thing. WE are the vanguard.

Bad guys: Uhh....Could you use it in a sentence please?

Good guys: I just did, remember? I said "WE ARE THE VANGUARD OF A TREMENDOUS ARMY THAT IS FOLLOWING US!"

Bad guys: Riiiiight. I don't know why you have to use such unnessecarily large vocabulary. We hardly speak english.


Ejaculation exclamation. He could not repress an ejaculation of suprise when he heard the news.

Ok. This one is too easy. It's about these two guys, and one has this problem where every time he hears suprising news, he ejaculates. I know that this is supposed to be some sort of verbal cry, but this way is funnier.

Guy 1: Hey Todd, did you hear that my sister got married.

Todd: Really? Congratulations. That's great.

Guy 1: Yeah. I'm happy for her. Did you know she has 3 boobs?

Todd: Oh...Ohhhhhhh...Oh god...uhhhhh....mmmmmm....OH GOD!!

Guy 2: Did Todd just...

Guy 1: Yes. He has this problem. He could not repress an ejaculation of suprise when he heard the news.

Guy 2: Oh. Ok.

I wonder...if someone asked me to become a member of their secret society of highly trained assassins, would I join?

Yes.

I bet that professional killers are never affected by the economy. I don't think you play the stock market with blood money, I think you put in under the floorboards.

You never have to worry about job security. As long as people are pissing other people off we will always need hitmen.

It makes for interesting dinner conversation. You can't come right out and say what you do, but you can hint at it, which is probably even more bad ass.

"So, what do you do?"

"Well, let me put it this way...I provide a highly specialized service for highly specialized clientele."

"You're a man prostitute?"

"No. Let's say you...need a person gone, I take them there."

"You're a commercial airline pilot?"

"No. No. No. You're not catching on here. You know how sometimes people have trash...from their past...and they want that trash taken care of?"

"Yes..."

"I TAKE CARE of their trash for them."

"You're...a...trash man?"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO. I'm a killer. I kill people for money. Professionally. I'm very deadly. With weapons. Or just my bare hands."

"I'm still not catching on here..."

Dear The Tooth Fairy,

I am writing to inquire about the status of my reimbursement for the 4 wisdom teeth that I lost in October. I realize that times are tough right now, but having money placed under our pillows by a mythical creature after losing a tooth is currently the only thing separating us from the apes. WHAT ARE WE WITHOUT OUR DIGNITY!?

I am not mad, merely frustrated. If you cannot afford to pay me I would be willing to arrange some sort of payment plan, or even a slave type situation. You can clean my room, make me dinner, possibly hook me up with one of your hot fairy friends.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Me

If you hyphenate your last name after getting married and I'm within a 5 foot radius, make no mistake, I WILL viciously punch your in the ear. Why hyphenate? Ladies, if you like your last name, keep it. If you like your husbands last name or simply don't care about yours, take his. But don't combine them. It sounds horrible.

I think it would be a cool thing to do that when a couple gets married they both change their last names to something else. I would be down for that. Something bad ass, or maybe really deceptive.

Ex.

Ben Dragonfire

Ben Lazersoul

or

Ben Obama

See? That's awesome.

I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning. Isn't that some sort of disease? Who invented the snooze button anyways? The whole purpose of an alarm is to wake you up. Why would you build in a button that makes it so you don't have to pay attention to the alarm? That's like going to an AA meeting and having them serve rum and cokes...or rums and coke...or rums and cokes...or whatever. Essentially it would defeat the purpose.