I'd make a pretty good rap artist. I talk fast, so that probably would translate very naturally to the ability to spit hot fire at a rapid pace. I've lived a fairly crazy life, often times staying up past 12:30 to watch cable television. Definitely won't be a lack of material there. I hardly ever wash my car, so riding dirty is pretty much just a way of life for me. Sometimes when I've had a really tough day (working outside with 5th graders) I like to come home and rap about it. I'm always rapping about something, if it's not work, it's that my coffee is too hot. If it's not that...something similar to that, like...my hot chocolate is too hot.

Last night when I went to bed, I was not wearing a pair of khakis. This morning when I woke up, I was. I guess I have some strange affliction similar to sleep walking, except it's sleep pants-putting-on. I would be really worried, but...it's just pants.

So if a minor league ball park is the best place to meet ladies, what's the worst? I couldn't pick just one, so I made a list.

The worst places to meet ladies.

By Ben Busiek

1) MMA fights.

Baseball is a nice, fan friendly game that allows you plenty of time to take in the scenery and talk to your seat-neighbors. I've never been to any mixed martial arts fights, but I bet the ladies there are slightly more...likely to break my arms. Plus, what if a guy gets karate punched or judo kicked really hard in the groin and throws up. That would be gross.

2) The hospital.

I'm sure there are lots of very nice ladies in the hospital. Smart ones, attractive ones, successful ones, nice smelling ones. However, it's just as likely that they have leprosy. No offense ladies, but if your nose falls off in the middle of our first date, I probably will sneak out the bathroom window.

3) A plane full of snakes.

This would be the worst. Can you imagine sitting there talking to the pretty girl seated next to you about your favorite ice cream flavors or something, then next thing you know Samuel Jackson is there cursing and killing CGI snakes and you really hate snakes so you're probably hiding in the bathroom. Yeah, great way to meet ladies. Cowering in fear in the tiny bathroom in the rear of the plane while Samuel Jackson kicks ass. I've had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!!

Minor league baseball games are the best place to meet girls. First off, the fact that they're even at the game means either a) they love baseball b) they tolerate baseball or c) they were kidnapped and their captor brought them to a baseball game in hopes that they would develop Stockholm Syndrome and fall in love with them.

If she loves baseball, awesome. If she tolerates baseball...well at least she doesn't hate it. If she was kidnapped, AWESOME. What a sweet story that would be to tell.

Secondly, girls in baseball jerseys. Hot. I don't care what team it is. But it can't be one of those stupid Alyssa Milano baseball shirts. Those are just dumb, girly, pink, skanky shirts with baseball team logos on them. Alyssa Milano you are stupid. Girls are so much hotter in real baseball jerseys.

Thirdly, there's the chance that a foul ball may hit some old lady in the head. That's unrelated to meeting girls. I just think it would be a funny thing to see.

Fourthly, if she's drinking beer, awesome. Anybody drinking an alcoholic beverage at a baseball game other than beer is not worth meeting. It's okay to drink various other non-alcoholic beverages, but any alcohol must be beer. If she's drinking some girly lemonade based drink, not worth it.

Fifthly, this is your chance to show her how much you know about the game:

"So, that's the thrower, and when he throws the ball it goes over there and that guy with the bat, the batsman, hits it. If the ball goes over that wall, it's called a double, any other ball hit anywhere else is a balk. The catcher's main job is for the third base coach to give him signals, which he interperets and gives to the four outfielders. Left field, right field, short field and home. In the event of a homerun, the runner on the bases...I forget what he's called, he has to tag up. If he forgets to tag up he has to go ALL the way back to first and run all the bases again. That's called "touching them all". It's pretty common in the sport. That and triple plays. In between the 5th and 6th inning is the 7th inning stretch where everybody gets up and sings the national anthem. That is also when they honor Jackie Robinson, the first Jewish ball player. He's the only ballsman to ever steal first base. His nickname when he played was 'J Splat'.

Sixthly, you can see if she's one of those dumb, dainty eaters.

Seventhly, if you fart just blame it on the general smell of the ballpark. Girls can't tell the difference between a fart and baseball.

Eighthly, minor league ball games usually have fireworks if the home team wins. If she's really gullible you can tell her that you had those fireworks ordered specially for her. If she believes you then you know she's stupid and you shouldn't talk to her any more.

Ninethly, if that old lady ends up getting hit in the head with a foul ball and is seriously injured you could probably sneak up real quick and snatch the ball from her and she probably couldn't stop you, what with her being unconscious and all.

If I were a drummer in a rock band and we were playing a live show and it came to the point in the show when the lead singer always tries to get the crowd to clap along with him, I would be furious. Because hey! That's my job! Stop that! Stop keeping the beat! That's what I'm here for! You're supposed to sit and listen, I'm supposed to keep time! STOP CLAPPING! I'M A TRAINED TIME KEEPING PROFESSIONAL!

Horse racing is so stupid.

OH LOOK EVERYBODY! I'M A HORSE! LOOK HOW FAST I CAN RUN! NEIGGGHHH!! CLOP CLOP CLOP!


Shut the fuck up stupid horses. Nobody (or at least I don't) cares how fast you are. Your names are always, always stupid (I think). Why don't you do something (that I think is) worthwhile with your time (petting zoo)?

If you're tired of running in circles and getting kicked in the side with pokey shoes, too bad. If you gave a crap you'd form a horse's union and fight for your rights, instead of prancing around all day and eating oats.

*ADDENDUM*

Family Circus is by far the worst comic ever. If someone tasked me with writing a better comic strip, all I would have to do is...nothing. The absence of a comic strip is STILL a better comic strip than Family Circus. Other comic strips that would be better than Family Circus:

-The Adventures of Tuberculosis Boy

-Marmaduke (barely)

-A comic strip that every day lists 3 more consecutive digits of pi

-Supergrocer

If I ever get rich I'm going to make it a rule in my house that any time someone is brushing their teeth, they have to be doing something else too. It's such a waste of time to just brush your teeth. You have a whole other free hand! Check your email, make toast, clip your toenails, something! I like to see how many tasks I can complete all at once while brushing my teeth. It's not out of the ordinary for me to be brushing my teeth, going to the bathroom and doing a crossword puzzle all at once. It's definitely one of my stronger points. That and how I can pee into the toilet from a REALLY long ways away. You should see it, I should have my own highlight segment on ESPN.