Things that, in my opinion, don't occur enough

- Jessica Simpson getting punched in the face by Kimbo Slice

- Those Southwest commercials that always end "Wanna get away?"
--By the way, I have a great idea for one of those: There's a guy and he's robbing a bank with a gun, only it's not a real gun. Then he says give me all your money or I'll shoot and kill everyone in this entire bank. Then one of the tellers says fine, kill us all. Then the bank robber doesn't know what to do because it's only a fake gun. Then the police show up, only they have real guns. Wanna get away?

- Pizza Hut free pizza giveaway week. To my knowledge this has NEVER occured.

- Christmas. Everyone is in good spirits, there's presents, good food and you get work off. Why not have that happen more often? Say...like...once a month?

As much as I love going to see live music, there are a few things about the whole process that kind of bug me. For instance, the transition between sitting and standing is way awkward. Unless you're the absolute first one to stand up (kudos to that person), you inevitably find yourself thinking "Oh...okay, so this is a stand up song. I guess...well, the people to my left are standing...and that couple in front of me are, but the people behind me are still sitting. If I stand I'll block their view...but if I stay seated people will think I'm not enjoying myself or I'm an uptight prick. Okay, now more people are standing, dang it! I should have stood earlier, now if I stand it'll just look like I'm standing because everyone else is standing, not because I'm feelin' the music and want to express myself through awkward white person hip gyrations and hand clapping."
And then by the time you finally decide to stand the song is over and everyone is seated.

Another thing that really grinds my gears is how loud the music is. I love rock. I love it loud. I was in a band once, we played loud. But there are different levels of loud. In a library if you fart and someone 10 feet away can hear it, that's loud. I don't mind that kind of loud. I mind the kind of loud that occurs when 6 days after the concert your ears are still bleeding you're not sure if the ringing in your ears is from the telephone or your eardrums slowly dying.

Orv.

That, right there. See what I did? I made a word. 3 letters, 2 consonants and 1 vowel. It was as easy as could be. It's even fun to say, kind of the sound I imaging a cute little alien puppy would make instead of bark or ruff or yip yip. So why do we have an entire dictionary full of words like parenthetical and spontaneous and fraternize when we haven't even used up all the 3 letter combinations? Why? How about instead of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis we just call it zad. Or instead of feeling displeased, one could feel...Gbnu (the g is silent).

Dear Diary,

I have so many good ideas all the time that sometimes I think other people are jealous of me. If my brain was a yard, and my ideas were leaves then I would always be having to rake my yard! Or if my ideas were down feathers and my brain was a pillow case I would have such a giant, soft pillow! Or if my ideas were a whole bunch of nails and my brain was a person who works in a foster home and has a giant bag, he would always be walking around and making statements to little homeless kids like "Jeez, what am I doing with this giant bag of nails!? Anybody!?"

Dear Diary,

"Peanut butter cone bra" didn't work out. It's probably for the best. Who wants to deal with having money in two banks? What a chore! Besides, I have a better idea, and if it all works out I might even need three banks! Can you believe that!? Who in the world has ever heard of someone having so much money that they need three different banks to keep it all in!? I just hope "pizza cone bra" works out.

And do you know what else Diary?

I am so jealous of you. You never have to deal with people in the real world. Sometimes I wish that some sort of magical person that could grant me two...no, actually I would need three, three wishes, would appear at my bedside. He'd probably have to be kept in some sort of bottle so he doesn't escape and go around granting people wishes all willy nilly. I don't know what I would name this magic person. He would definitely need a name, otherwise how would he know when I needed his powers? If I named him something like "I have to pee" then he would always be coming out of his bottle just when I had to go pee, so that wouldn't do. I never have to vacuum the front lawn so maybe I could name him "I have to vacuum the front lawn". My three wishes would be this:

1) I wish that Luke Skywalker was real. I feel like I really connect with him. He and I would always go around talking about how much we hate those darn imperials!

2) I wish that things that are healthy tasted really good and things that are unhealthy tasted really bad. Think about it, if spinach tasted like chocolate and chocolate tasted like spinach we would all be so healthy and content!

3) I wish I had a few pigs that had the awesome power of flight. That way I could always go up to someone and say "Give me $10 home slice!" And they would say "When pigs fly hombre!" And then I would pull my awesome flying pigs out of their gravity cage and they would fly away, but I would still have them on a leash! Then the person would give me $10. If I did that nine more times I would have $100!

Dear Diary,

Let's not kid ourselves, we don't have a lot going for us. You're an inanimate object that people write things in, and I could only hope that one day someone should want to share their feelings with me. But Diary, I'll tell you something. My new invention is going to make us famous. Just like that one guy that invented peanut butter, or Madonna with the pointy cone bra. This invention will catapult me straight to the top. It's called "peanut butter cone bra" and it combines the best of both worlds. I just hope that I don't make too much money that the bank won't be able to hold it all. I might have to keep it in two banks!

Dear Diary,

Can I ask you something? Why are all the good women taken? This morning I was out for a run and I saw this really attractive lady who had been biking, but was taking a short rest on a rock. I went up to talk to her when out of nowhere this white van drives up, out rush three men in black ski masks, and drag the attractive lady away. They just took her, those bastards. That always happens to me.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I was walking to the store when all of the sudden it hit me. Can you believe that? That's the third time this year I've been hit by a squirrel turd falling from a tree.